O V E R T U R E

[ FIN ]

2011-05-10T11:53:00.017+08:00

Today, I will officially migrate to my new journal.

I have been keeping this separate blog for a while now,

and I think it's about time I leave Overture.

Written On Glass

For what it's worth, Overture witnessed some of the strangest

most poignant times of my existence. Thank you for being part of it,

one way or another. Until then, I hope to see you at my new home.

Ode à mon Père

2011-04-24T21:22:00.007+08:00

1.
Last April 15, 2011, my father passed away due to pulmonary complications caused by cancer. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Nasopharyngeal Cancer in October of last year. If you happen to come across this post of mine today, please say a little prayer for my dad, Rolando M. Arenas. I believe in good intentions, so if it isn't too much, I ask you to pray for my family as well. We'll miss my old man terribly, but we've to let him go now. I'm glad he has now found rest.

2.
Today is Easter Sunday and it's the 9th day since my dad passed away. We visited his urn at the Columbary and prayed the rosary for the repose of his soul. If there really is an after life like what most religions dictate, I believe it only knows boundless love; there is no pain and suffering.

3.
I believe we are all alive somehow, whether we move through our frail bodies or one day turn to ash.

4.
A song for my father, wherever he is.
When you go and you must,

my tongue will turn to dust

and goodbye won't mean a thing

on a day like today,

I'll believe anything you say...

5.
Dear Papa,

I know you're in a better place now. Mom, Ian, and I will miss you everyday, but we'll keep it together for you. Thank you for everything, we love you. I know I'll be seeing you one day, but until then I'll keep you in my heart.

Your only daughter,

Corin

6.
We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestation. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But part of us greater than the sum of all parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
--John Green

7.
Before death summons us, we've got to live. There is no other triumph quite like it.

In My Native Tongue

2011-04-12T15:51:00.006+08:00

Tanong ni Spyl Balangatan:

"Sa bagong henerasyon ng mga estudyante,

mahalaga pa ba kung saang eskwelahan

ka nagtapos at kung may honors ka?"

Ang aking sagot:

Dalwang Punto

· Eskwelahan
Ang masasabi ko lang ay kahit na malaki ang impluwensiya ng paaralan sa'yo bilang mag-aaral, sa iyong pagtanda, hindi sila ang nagpapasya kung ano ang landas na tatahakin mo. Bagamat mahalaga sila sa pag-hubog ng iyong kamalayan, mas mahalagang mamulat tayo sa katotohanang ito: The school DOES NOT make you, YOU make the school-- 'di mo utang ang iyong buong pagkatao sa paaralang pinanggalingan mo. Gumaganda lang ang pangalan ng eskwelahan pag may "maipagmamalaki" silang nagtapos sa institusyon nila.

· Karangalang pang-akademiko
Naniniwala akong may halaga ito. Ngunit, kung hangad mo lang ang karangalan o titulo higit pa sa tunay na karunungang iyong magagamit upang makatulong sa kapwa mo at maging mabuting tao, kalimutan mo na. Wala kang pinag-kaiba sa mga mapagmataas at aroganteng politiko. Sayang lang and award, paubaya mo na sa iba.

x x x x

I'd like to thank my friend Spyl for engaging us constantly to think about relevant issues in our country. It's difficult to be upright in a place where everyone struggles to be "lamang" all the time. If you're Filipino, you know what I mean.

I miss my History and Sociology classes with my college professor, Ms. Carmen Penalosa. I realized it has been a while since I wrote or said anything in straight Filipino. I told Spyl that in those days, I actually appreciated writing papers for Rizal and History class. I never regarded it as a hassle. I looked forward to the class because I realized it concerns all of us as Filipinos. It concerns our past, how we are today, and what kind of nation we may become in the future. How can I not care?

Online Feature

2011-03-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

Visit Virgogray Press Carcinogenic Poetry Online.

I would like to thank sir Michael Casares.
To read the featured poem, click here.

News Hardcore!

2011-03-25T14:58:00.016+08:00

Manix Abrera just made my day (click on the image for a full view). For more neurotic panels on media and the perils of being a journalist in the Philippines, please visit this link.

This reminds me why I never really applied for a newspaper. I turned down a magazine offer and quit my program researcher position at a local television network. I was in the news and public affairs department actualizing content for a women's magazine show, but I just had to go. They were giving me mini-segments to produce (I guess to convince me to stay?), but I left my job even before I had the chance to write.

It occurred to me that any body who plans to take on this path has got to be a lot crazier than most of us. I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life, but they do. They have got to be insane and seriously passionate about it-- and I admire them immensely for having that kind of drive. I wish all the best for my journalist friends, especially to my pals Micheal Mira and Yna de Leon (who is currently applying for an opening in the news department at a local television network). Be responsible writers, stay safe, and get enough sleep you, psychos. Also, I'm very proud of my former producer, Shai Lagarde (you're bolder, more beautiful and immensely creative), keep on making your dreams come true.

I think work is like marriage. Talk about commitment (issues). I've had four jobs, which could just mean I've already divorced four serious careers. But I'm not really thinking about that right now. As long as I have work that pays the bills and gives me a flexible schedule, I don't mind.

This doesn't mean I've stopped writing after every career crisis and personal turmoil that has graced me. By the way, I'm giving school another shot. I am writing.

Prelude to Summer: Laser hair removal, anyone?

2011-03-18T22:31:00.013+08:00

Summer is the perfect time to relax and enjoy beautiful vacation spots in the country. For most women, it can also mean hair removal season. That’s right! Don’t let unwanted hair stop you from having a great time at the beach.

We all know too much shaving and plucking is not advisable and can only cause dark patches on delicate skin. These days, women have the option to stop struggling with razors or tedious plucking and turn to laser hair removal.

Laser hair removal is a promising procedure which can give men and women smooth and hairless skin without unsightly bumps. When done properly, this method can be virtually painless. Just like any beauty procedure, it is very important to research on the latest laser hair removal treatments offered here in the Philippines. It is also necessary to select reputable clinics and trust a recommended dermatologist to perform this treatment.

Remember to openly discuss any history of skin allergy with your dermatologist before the procedure. If you’re taking any prescribed medication, inform your dermatologist so they can asses if this can have any negative side effects on your skin after the treatment. It is also very important to note that you can’t undergo laser hair removal if you have recently tanned skin. You have to wait until your skin’s normal pigment comes back before the procedure.

Ready for the beach:

With my friends at Panglao Beach, Bohol

Summer 2009

Laser hair removal is done in sessions usually in two to three week intervals or as specified by the dermatologist. It is not advisable to have prolonged sun exposure or take a dip in steam baths 24-hours after laser hair removal. Even after the procedure, patients must follow their dermatologist’s recommendation to avoid any irritation after the treatment. Kaya magpa-laser hair removal a few months before hitting the beach. :p

Laser hair removal techniques have come a long way since its introduction in the Philippines. Now available in selected clinics, Permasilk laser hair removal is an effective treatment that shows satisfying results within six to eight sessions. It uses the COMET System which is a combination of radio frequency laser and electro-optical technology which targets the hair bulb to effectively eliminate hair growth.

Hair removal issues ni Ca.. este, naming lahat! :p

Remember!
NO. 1 TIP: Get your treatment a few months before going to the beach.

There are reputable laser hair removal clinics with professional and highly recommended dermatologists here in the Philippines that can help interested women achieve smooth armpits and legs. It can even remove hair effectively around the bikini area. One of the latest effective hair removal procedures is Permasilk laser hair removal. Remember to discuss any history of skin allergy as well as unusual skin condition openly with your dermatologist before the treatment to avoid problems.

Scribbled

2011-03-15T22:11:00.009+08:00

Apparently, nothing at all.

The album of the day is Mer de Noms by A Perfect Circle
***

1. Today began too slow. I tend to loop the same songs on my playlist. I've to exert more effort to appreciate unfamiliar things. Friends would always have to remind me more than twice to come out of my lair. New work has come and yet I just can't get my head to start functioning again.

2. I decided to go for a long walk in the afternoon to shake off the dust I've accumulated. I was planning on watching a few movies, but I guess the DVD marathon will have to wait another day.

3. I received the Tuesday mail and, well, what can I say? It's always a pleasure to find real letters rather than bills.

Glimpses (Part I)

2011-03-15T16:24:00.018+08:00

Just a few shots from my recent vacation to the U.S. I wish I had bought a DSLR camera last year. I'm thinking whether I'll get a Nikon or a Canon. Now that I'm back, I'm seriously regretting not having done so. Anyway, I guess these photos from my 14 mega pixel digicam will have to do. Until my next batch of travel photos.

There are always two people in every picture:

the photographer and the viewer. -Ansel Adams

Hearst Castle

The Palace of Fine Arts

San Francisco, California

Lakeside park at the Palace of Fine Arts

San Francisco, California

Triad

Scientology building (left), Transamerica Pyramid (middle),

and a building which I failed to identify (right).

San Francisco, California

To literally lose my breath just to get a glimpse of a beautiful city on the highest peak: check.

San Francisco hill view

The Golden Gate Bridge

Pier 39

San Francisco, California

"Come back later. Be the stone around my neck." - Andy Yorke

2011-03-10T19:31:00.003+08:00

Saudade

Each day that is born, a new hope to see you again...

Photo by Paulo Cedres

Unbelievable Truth: Why you should listen to Andy Yorke (Certified sad bastard music!)

2011-03-08T22:05:00.008+08:00

I'm glad to have re-discovered this band, Unbelievable Truth (UT), as lead by vocalist Andy York. I know, I know. It's sad they didn't enjoy much mainstream success behind the shadow of his brother's genius. The first single I heard from UT was "Solved", I remember I was watching UNTV one evening, which was sort of NU 107's music channel in the early 2000s. Back then, I didn't know this British group had been releasing songs into the airwaves as early as 1993. Because I liked the single, I obsessed about the song for a while. I researched about the band, and poof! I found out that the lead singer is in fact Thom Yorke's younger brother. Unbelievable Truth is composed of Andy Yorke, Nigel Powel, Jason Mousler and Jim Crosskey.

Today, I decided to go sound tripping in memory lane and found the song on Youtube after probably 10 years of not hearing it. Frankly, it was the only song I knew from the band. I never had a chance to follow through with the rest of the songs in the album, much less the other albums they produced. If you could remember, once upon a time, not every piece of information or music was available and downloadable. If it didn't have much exposure and success in the U.S., then you can just imagine how unknown they were here.

Unbelievable Truth has long since disbanded in 2000 and its members have pursued solo careers over the years. Although, occasionally, they would reunite every now and then for special events. Now, after 10 years, i'm glad to know a lot of their material is viewable on Youtube and other music propagating sites.

The Yorke Brothers

Above photo: Thom

Below: Andy

image from http://greenplastic.com

I listened to three other beautiful tracks from the band such as "Settle Down" and "The Stone". The song, "Higher Than Reason", is released as one of the band's EPs and is included in their 1998 album titled "Almost There". While listening, I couldn't believe just how good Andy Yorke is. I guess people decided not to listen to his band because they thought he was just picking-up a career after his brother. But (the unbelievable!) truth be told: Andy Yorke is seriously a genius apart from his brother's brilliant madness. I just wish listeners would get over it and realize that. Currently, Andy Yorke is a solo artist and has released his first album, "Simple" in 2008.

Listen to "Higher Than Reason" below:

Of course, Andy and Thom have vocal similarities. Both have cool, almost haunting yet calming countertenor voice range. After all, they came from the same set of genes. However, when it comes to song-writing and of course, style, you'd notice that Andy concentrated purely on his lyrical craft. Although Unbelievable Truth and Radiohead may have recurring melancholic themes, Unbelievable Truth's music possess a distinctive mellow streak, with soft jangly acoustic guitars played harmoniously, complemented by soothing vocals.

I love Radiohead, especially songs in albums The Bends and OK Computer. But, on lighter, more uncomplicated and contemplative days (rendered in black and white exclusively inside my head), I'd much prefer listening to Unbelievable Truth. Yes, the Yorke brothers apparently make moody music.

Below is a video of their song "The Stone". If you got through reading everything I just posted, I hope you check out the band's other songs. And do enjoy!

*Information from http://www.unbelievable-truth.com/master.html and http://www.myspace.com/andyyorke

2011-03-07T12:28:00.005+08:00

Homesickness, 1940
René Magritte

The Layers

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

--Stanley Kunitz

A few hours after landing / Random encounter

2011-03-06T10:21:00.007+08:00

It's only been a day since I got back from my 12 day break from the U.S. and the first thing I did after settling baggage and dealing with jet lag was go to Cubao. And yes, I've a lot to share on my next few posts about wandering the other side of the Pacific. But for now, i'll write this one first.

I wanted to send a few postcards and letters to a friend that morning. The only post office I knew of was in Cubao, so off I went. Someone did tell me the post office was open on a Saturday, but that they close a little earlier. When I got there at 10:00am and asked an old kuya beside the building, he said it's only open on weekdays. However, he did tell me it was open for awhile before I came. I suppose the post office personnel were just settling a few things that morning, but that they weren't really accepting mail. I guess my letters will have to wait until Monday.

I decided to go to Gateway and check out National Bookstore and Fully Booked. I was also thinking about checking the condition of my finances by going to the nearest BDO ATM, but I decided not to. As expected, the bills have piled up and I definitely need to tighten my belt. I'll probably deal with it next week when I finally get my pay check.

I got hungry at around 11:30am and decided to look for a cheap place to eat. After passing by numerous fast food chains, I ended up having lunch at a karinderia beside Bellini's in Cubao X. I had a generous serving of spicy chicken Afritada. It wasn't exactly the best Filipino food I had, but I have to admit I missed having saucy, oily dishes with a nice hot cup of rice.

***

After having a 50 peso lunch (in terms of cheapness, it surely beats any $7 lunch! ha!), I wanted to have some ice cream so I went to the nearby 7 Eleven. Before I even got to the entrance, a girl approached me with a warm smile and introduced herself. From there, I figured she's one of those students frequenting commercial areas for fund raising purposes. And I was right.

The girl, Cristina, told me she's a junior taking up BS Education at a private college in Taytay, Rizal. She showed her I.D. and explained that they're raising funds to support their schooling. In short, they were selling over-priced ball pens.

Because I wanted to interrogate her a little more, I invited her inside 7 Eleven and asked if she could sit and have some ice cream with me. She took the offer graciously and thought I was kind.

On a usual day, I wouldn't bother to take time to listen. I can honestly be very cold. A poor and hungry child can be asking for alms and I wouldn't even bother to look at him. I'd even think to myself: This isn't my problem anymore. We shouldn't even tolerate this. Nobody would be asking for alms if people weren't giving any.

Since I wasn't in a hurry, and probably because I have lightened up a bit after my break, I didn't mind talking to her. I told her honestly that her school shouldn't make them "work" like that to support their studies. In my point of view, what they're doing doesn't make them any different from homeless children begging passers-by for loose change. They should do it in a legitimate manner through fund raising events and other similar activities.

It's a sad reality, but she said they do it anyway even though nakaka-hiya because it's the only way she can support her studies. Public areas have even reprimanded them because they didn't have a permit to do any "fund raising". With her parents not earning enough as farmers, she's left to do this kind of work for her school. She did mention her school does organize fund raising events once a year, but I guess that isn't enough. They just had to exploit their students to work. So much for being called scholars.

I asked about her priorities in life, aside from struggling to finish school. She said, sincerely, that she wanted to become a teacher particularly at her former high school to improve education in the public school system. Cristina shared that she's honestly having a hard time in college because her teachers in high school didn't dedicate much effort to teach them basic things, like proper English, grammar, and so on.

I believe what we learn in school shouldn't be limited to academic application. It must extend to all aspects of our life. What we learn in school should still be applicable even after we graduate. It's an idealistic thought, but we must make an effort to make use of whatever education we have.

I am glad to know that young people like Cristina are really trying to maximize their education. I actually admire her for wanting to help improve the quality of public school education in our country. Though I still disapprove of the fact that she has to beg for funds to finish her studies, I honestly felt that she's doing everything she can to reach her goal.

She had to go after our short talk. We exchanged mobile numbers to keep in touch. I bought her over-priced pen and told her, sincerely, that I'm helping her because I understand her disposition. I asked her to keep me posted. I also wished her good luck, and I hope she graduates soon without any delay. I bid her good bye and we went our separate ways.

***

After that, I thought: Hindi madali mag-aral, lalo na kapag wala kang pera sa Pilipinas. While some Americans prefer not to attend college, most Filipinos desperately do everything just to have a shot at it. This is definitely something I don't get to think about everyday. I admit that I shun realities such as this because I do have a tendency to feel to much.

After a long time, I'm slowly beginning to see things outside again. It gave me the chance to think of things other than myself. I believe everything happens for a reason. After the post office fail, maybe this random encounter is actually a good experience.

We will never get tired of beautiful things.

2011-03-05T20:10:00.006+08:00

The album of the day is Music for the Morning After by Pete Yorn

"For you I'll bleed myself dry". -- Coldplay

2011-03-04T09:59:00.004+08:00

I wonder if I can ever say those words and mean it. For anyone, at all. It's either i'm tired or just too damn selfish. Maybe even both.

Well, okay. I suppose I have before. Then maybe the real question is:
When can I bleed myself dry again? If there is blood left to bleed. If there will be anything or anyone to bleed for.

In A Row

2011-03-04T08:41:00.005+08:00

The mailman handing me a letter,

he paid a little. My daughter’s

third grade teacher, the electrician

putting a light over my back door:

they paid as well. The woman at the bank

who cashes my check. She paid a part of it.

The typist in my office, the janitor

sweeping the floor—they paid some too.

The movie star paid for it. The nurse,

the nun, the saint, they all paid for it—

a photograph from Central America,

six children lying neatly in a row.

One day I was teaching or I sold

a book review or I gave a lecture

and some of the money came to me

and some rolled off into the world,

but it was still my money, the result

of my labor, each coin still had my name

printed across it, and I went on living,

passing my days in a box with a tight lid.

But elsewhere, skulking through tall grass,

a dozen men approached a village. It was hot;

the men made no noise. See that one’s cap,

see the button on that other man’s shirt,

* * *

hear the click of the cartridge as it slides

into its chamber, see the handkerchief

which that man uses to wipe his brow—

I paid for that one, that one belongs to me.

-- Stephen Dobyns

Landing

March 2011

The Grove, Los Angeles

Keeping Things Whole

2011-02-26T22:34:00.002+08:00

In a field

I am the absence

of field.

This is

always the case.

Wherever I am

I am what is missing.

When I walk

I part the air

and always

the air moves in

to fill the spaces

where my body’s been.

We all have reasons

for moving.

I move

to keep things whole.

-- Mark Strand

Arizona Sunset

February 2011

Façades

2011-02-17T19:50:00.011+08:00

“The world was full of holes … once on the other side of one of those holes; you were free of yourself, free of your life, free of your death, free of everything that belonged to you.”

After Paul Auster’s The Book of Illusions

There are times when one finds it necessary to conceal the truth. For whatever reason, the moment we hide something from plain view means we choose not to be known. This challenges the concept of existence; one cannot validate the human condition without witnesses. I believe the very delicate quality of memories is a tragedy in itself. Consider the careful obliteration of memories that can be reduced to a single thought. There are times wherein we will attempt to recover them all, and yet fail. What then of the memories that will never be made?

In Paul Auster’s Book of Illusions, the character of Hector Mann endured desolation and unthinkable humiliation just to hide his true identity. This series of Hector’s life was set in the 1940s, describing him as a promising young comic actor and silent filmmaker. He enjoyed the limelight with some of the film industry’s most beautiful women. However, he mysteriously disappeared from the public eye and was never heard of again. Many thought he had committed suicide. Some said he gave up on his filmmaking dreams and lived the life of a peaceful hermit. The latter speculation was acceptable, but his life was far from anything peaceful.

Hector struggled to hide from his faults. The life he had worked so hard for ended the day he had killed a past lover. At that point, he knew he could never forgive himself. Hector sought comfort in anonymity and took a new life by the name of Herman Loesser. Doing odd jobs left and right, he hauled fish crates in a market, was a salesman in a golf store, and even became a gimp performing live sex for private houses. He went as far as he could to hide from the authorities, and even farther away from himself.

Here lies the duality: the mask he wore hid all his guilt and it served as the same prison he was never able to escape from. Hector’s character takes a turn when he confesses everything that happened after his disappearance. By this time, Hector is old and very sickly. A writer by the name of David Zimmer is also intrigued by his life and disappearance as a promising filmmaker. But in the end, all roads lead nowhere when the bearer of the truth dies along with all significant writings about Hector’s life. Every piece of evidence representing his true self was burnt to ashes.

Here, we see how Hector attempts to reconcile with his past. He remembers everything, every sin, treachery, and ounce of love in vivid detail. But by then, nobody will ever truly know what happened to him. No one will ever acknowledge it, and there is no more proof to validate it.

I believe it unjust to deny man his right to conceal weaknesses and faults. Here, his privacy and human dignity is of great merit. “Façade” tries to capture a particular period in Hector’s life. The Book of Illusions not only dealt with duality, it may have well depicted the concept of eternal return.

Just when Hector looks through the eyes of his own mask, he sees more masks in the world outside. All masks conceal the valuable. Hector took part in the stage of manipulation. Like him, we take part and identify most with what we think is familiar because it goes back to our selves.

The novel quotes many verses from French author Chateaubriand, where he writes: Man has not one and the same life. He has many lives, placed end to end, and that is the cause of his misery.

We are responsible for what we communicate and leave undisclosed. Our way of life depends on it whether we choose to live in a glass house or behind walls with holes.

Psychosoma

2011-02-15T02:35:00.011+08:00

For the first time in years, things
fell back where they should be.

It's one of those strange nights
where my eyes don't seem to work
like they should. Silver spots appear,
turn dark, and begin to streak
when I turn my sight to another side.
I haven't had a headache this serious
in a very long time. I could remember
the last, I was 16 then. Every time
I focused, my eyes hurt. I couldn't
open them. I imagined two mad thumbs
gauging my eye balls out its sockets.
My head was caving in because something
was too heavy. Medication soothed it,
but the effects wore off gradually.
The doctor advised me to sleep
if I couldn't take the pain.

And so, I slept through three years of my life.
And I wonder. It must have been what I saw,

Without sleep, I began to manage
because by now I know everything
will pass. Once again, there is weight.
It is heavier in the same places, and more.
Today, I saw things upside down. Sickening
colors, hazy hands, the silver streaks. Head
throbbing, eyes speaking of the same pain.

and didn't. It was in something he said.
Aren't we all aching for the same things?

The Gathering

2011-02-12T23:40:00.003+08:00

of letters from the '90s to the present day

and a notebook with poems and quotes

Sexual Orientation

2011-02-10T19:41:00.003+08:00

On Kitsch

2011-02-10T02:44:00.009+08:00

I just finished reading Milan Kundera’s Unbearable Lightness of Being, and yes, this is my first time to read his work. More than a book about erotic experiences and intertwined love affairs, which is how this novel is usually “marketed”, I found it more philosophical and enlightening as presupposed by its title. I appreciate how it presented duality and challenged Nietsze’s concept of eternal return. It’s a detailed account on the human condition; an inquiry on the struggle of rational thought brought by the weight of emotions and painfully patterned beliefs.

How Kundera did not deny his I in the novel appealed to me. It becomes even more appealing when I think about how he integrated that voice in his work. It’s an interesting viewpoint for a reader to see that detached thought of a writer on the world he has created. I think it’s clever this style found its way into a novel, making it sound philosophical rather than preachy. But, enough about the writer. I actually found myself immersed in a particular thought hours after I laid the book down to rest.

Kundera stressed the true meaning of kitsch, which is: the absolute denial of shit, in both the literal and the figurative senses of the word; kitsch excludes everything from its purview which is essentially unacceptable in human existence.

Maybe what got my mind going on about kitsch is the fact that, as humans, we refuse to acknowledge things that are not ideal in our eyes. When we deny this reality, we deprive ourselves of the truth. Shit is a natural daily human function. To go about life being ashamed of it doesn’t quite make it right. We cannot resolve actual issues at hand with this mindset when we refuse what is actually there. Now, here is where the story relates kitsch with Communism, or any political movement for that matter. The author writes: “The brotherhood of man on earth will be possible only on the base of kitsch”. And true enough, when Communism took over countries, it imposed idyllic views which made it a powerful mechanism.

Sabina, a painter in the novel, made art depicting duality. She describes the themes in her painting as “a knife against an intelligible lie revealing the unintelligible truth”. Later on, she mentions how she’s not really against communism; that her point is really against everything kitsch. However, by the end of her story, she acknowledges her longing for something idyllic no matter how much she has scorned it—kitsch is an integral part of the human condition.

Isn’t it true that idyllic desires only intend to do everyone good? Well, of course it does. But just like Communism, most great crimes and tragedies sprung from good intentions. We’ve enough history books and newspapers to prove it.

Today, kitsch is defined by most dictionaries as (and I paraphrase): tawdry, vulgarized or pretentious art, literature, or anything resembling art usually with popular or sentimental appeal—I believe Sabina, as an artist, had an aesthetic dislike for kitsch. I’d like to believe she created tasteful paintings. This new meaning just brought kitsch to an entirely different level of pretension, and I’m not even talking about art.

O kay tagal din kitang minahal,

2011-02-06T20:47:00.005+08:00

O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin. -- Sugarfree

The truest expression of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it. -- Paolo Coelho

When a writer talks about his work, he's talking about a love affair. -- Alfred Kazin

Lovers, 1928

by Rene Magritte

Love After Love

2011-01-31T20:01:00.003+08:00

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

--Derek Walcott

Blue Skies

2011-01-23T12:58:00.004+08:00

The album of the day is The First Days of Spring by Noah and the Whale

No Words

2011-01-18T22:09:00.006+08:00

I received heartbreaking news today. I cannot elaborate further, it's all over the news.

Why?

Venson Evangelista is the dear brother of my former org mate, Mai. It could happen to anybody's son, brother, friend, loved one. Nobody deserves anything like this, except the very monsters who do this for a fucking living. Wherever justice is, it better come soon, because I AM TIRED OF SEEING PEOPLE DIE FOR NOTHING.

Music: What are we missing?

2011-01-10T16:58:00.007+08:00

Due to lack of anything truly productive to accomplish, I preoccupied myself by going online to watch a lot of old music videos and read about artists that I practically grew up listening to. After some thought, it occurred to me that I am in fact a witness to the music industry's disintegration since the propagation of free music sharing via mp3 in the late '90s.

If you think that's sad, I feel a lot worse about this because I know I contributed to its demise by downloading my favorite music. Yes, I would rarely buy EPs and albums. And I would be a liar if I said I no longer do that, because I still do. But, it's just like what Bob Dylan said, "you better swim now, or you'll sink like a stone/ coz the times they are a-changin'...". Free music available on the internet is something we (musicians and listeners) have to accept, however painstaking.

image from http://www.gradontripp.com

image from http://anni90.tumblr.com/post/296887029/jeff-buckley

The truth is, most record companies almost no longer give breaks to musicians with real talent and potential because they don't want to risk losing money on anyone. They would rather spend it on "sure hit musicians", which leaves us all with little variety to listen to these days. But, my saying this doesn't mean I don't listen to pop music. My point is, more of these other artists should be heard. Great music can be heard in the internet, all we have to do is know how to use this medium to find it. As listeners, it is our role to know more. It's not enough that we just take in what's laid down before us.

For struggling musicians, I imagine they earn more revenue in doing gigs and concerts than in actual record sales. I remember when Trent Reznor left his record label and boldly stepped out to distribute music directly to fans. You can read more about his opinion on free music here. I also remember a friend of mine once said, "Music, in the purest sense, should be free", and I honestly still believe in it. But, if making it free would mean real music will not be heard, then we have to find other ways to help the industry.

Here in the Philippines, I could still remember the days when local mainstream radio stations played good music back in the '90s. Playlists included music from Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Jeff Buckley, Morrissey, Jars of Clay, Moby, Filter, Blind Melon, Collective Soul, Barenaked Ladies, and it went on and on (along with some Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys, of course). Though they played selected hits from the said artists, radio stations were able to introduce good artists to listeners while still playing bubble gum pop. Back then, they were able to maintain balance to cater to every listener's taste, which I don't see happening much these days (save for a select few). There are stations that mostly play old music, but they don't really introduce us to good new music, except for this one (and I hope more people would go and follow).

image from pep.ph

image from ianodon.blogspot.com

After this realization that the music industry is really in bad shape, I've decided to make a list of albums I must buy. I'm not really buying them out of guilt, I'm doing so because: 1) I want to support these artists 2) I want MY own copy of their albums because their music has become part of my life 3) in the purest sense, I genuinely love music.

I will update my list soon. For now, I have listed below my top must have albums (in no particular order):

Radiohead - any, if not, all albums

R.E.M. - any, if not, all albums

Stereophonics - any, if not, all albums

The Cardigans - any, if not, all albums

Pete Yorn - musicforthemorningafter

Belle and Sebastian - any, if not, all albums

Stars - In Our Bedroom After the War

Vertical Horizon - Everythng You Want

The Smiths and Morrissey - any, if not, all albums

Jeff Buckley - any, if not, all albums

Oasis - Definitely Maybe, any, if not, all albums

Fra Lippo Lippi - Light and Shade, Crash of light album

The Cure - any, if not, all albums

Tool - Lateralus

A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms

The Sundays - any, if not, all albums

Feist - any, if not, all albums

Death Cab for Cutie - any, if not, all albums

Gin Blossoms - any, if not, all albums

The Pixies

image from toolbandprojects.com

OPM artists/albums:

Eraserheads - Cutterpillow, any, if not, all albums

Johnoy Danao - Dapithapon

Cynthia Alexander - Ripping Yarns

Urbandub - Influence

My Imaginary Friends

Barbie's Cradle (I gave away my CD to an old friend, I want my own again)

If you know these albums/artists I've posted, then well and good. Let's hang out some time, we have a lot of "catching up" to do. If you don't, why not try listening to them some time? I promise you, you won't regret it.

Drag it out!

2011-01-04T03:36:00.001+08:00

Artist of the day: The Main Drag

Winter taking days

Nights filled with longer hours

Winter solstice

Passing by us

Temperatures dropping

Try us

With colder feelings

Black ice and hidden lust

White sheets of snow concealing

Gloves on hands

With warmer pasts

And plastic sleds cracking

The newly chapped

Huddling against the wall

Of shrinking college trends

With the days living faster now

We cast our make pretends

Extra heat demands

A rising constant power

Darkness making days

Nights filled with longer hours

Got a jagged gorgeous winter from a summer's thread

All the lies you told about me they were totally, totally, totally true

Thinking through the noise you get back to bed

With your tinker tinker toys, you gotta think it,

Think it, think it, thinking it through

Got a jagged gorgeous winter from a summer's thread

All the lies you told about me they were totally, totally, totally true

Thinking through the noise you get back to bed

With your tinker tinker toys, you gotta think it,

Think it, think it, thinking it through

Drag it out, Drag it out, Drag it out, Drag it,

Got a jagged gorgeous winter from a summer's thread

All the lies you told about me they were totally, totally, totally true.

-- The Main Drag, "A Jagged Gorgeous Winter"

O Happy, The End, The End, The End

2011-01-01T00:21:00.002+08:00

So, where do I start? I've a lot to say, and at the same time, not mention about 2010. I'd like to forget a lot of things, but hey, let's not be too negative. Just trust me on this one, I don't even need to think about which parts to discard. But, as I go along, I know I will have to face specific facts. Yes, "they" will be included much to your amusement.

2010 started rather well for me. It was steadier than I expected. I left my previous job as a program researcher at a television network and began my career in the BPO industry a.k.a. call center. It was the month of February and I aimed for any kind of job that would let me write. Hence, the job title: Web Copywriter

It wasn't exactly the kind of writing I expected, but it was worth the run. I'm quite surprised companies pay that much for that kind of position. In my opinion, it's the best pseudo-writing job ever. The job description entailed doing night shifts. I became a daysleeper for an estimated 6 months this year. To this very day, my body clock remains quite fucked up. But, never mind that. There were days I got to go home to see the sun rise and feel genuine goodness from people I hardly knew. I got to work with the best office mates, and this is the first time I can say I found real friends at a work place. Now, that would be hard to top.

Other than the fact that it paid the bills and I had a fun working environment, it gave me time to think about what the hell I really want to do with my life. Well, not exactly for the rest of my life, but it definitely helped me know myself a little bit more.

I finally figured out one thing worth doing. More importantly, I realized I'll regret not doing that one thing if I don't do something about it soon. Yes, regret is enough reason for me to do this, and I look forward to pursuing that great perhaps in 2011.

Other highlights for 2010 (in no particular order):

Waps won 2nd place in the Palanca this year

'90s and New Wave Nights

The first Marian workshop outside school

The last Happy Monday

Nonsensical times with Washu

Random nights with Helen

With the lovelies: (left)Paula, (right) Regina

Pagudpud / Ilocos trip with my office mates

My 23 at Banapple

The Adworks Rally: Clowning around

'80s Theme Day Champs!

In between days: Paper folding

I officially left the company last December 17, partly to pursue what I want, and mainly to spend more time with my family. I would have wanted to stay longer, but the working conditions didn't prove very favorable for the situation I was about to face.

Last September, I accepted a different position in the company for better, more promising "compensation". The job entailed editing websites by answering calls-- yes, this is the part I truly hated about my job. I joined Helpline. Honestly, If it wasn't for the people and the money, I wouldn't have second thoughts about quitting. I decided to stay. Then again, I just had to brace myself for more serious news.

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last October. It really was a kind of wake-up call. But I have to admit, news like that can really be paralyzing. I mostly don't know what to feel or what to think these days.

This is the strangest Christmas season of my entire existence yet. Now, I wouldn't exactly say everything went downhill from there, because frankly, I've had to face other dreadful news from the very start of 2010. I guess all the depressing stuff just had to pile up by the end of this year. Nevertheless, forward I must go.

***

For you, my dear friend, I'd like to share a poem by Mary Oliver to help get you through your days.

Daisies

It is possible, I suppose that sometime

we will learn everything

there is to learn: what the world is, for example,

and what it means. I think this as I am crossing

from one field to another, in summer, and the

mockingbird is mocking me, as one who either

knows enough already or knows enough to be

perfectly content not knowing. Song being born

of quest he knows this: he must turn silent

were he suddenly assaulted with answers. Instead

oh hear his wild, caustic, tender warbling ceaselessly

unanswered. At my feet the white-petalled daisies display

the small suns of their center piece, their -- if you don't

mind my saying so -- their hearts. Of course

I could be wrong, perhaps their hearts are pale and

narrow and hidden in the roots. What do I know?

But this: it is heaven itself to take what is given,

to see what is plain; what the sun lights up willingly;

for example -- I think this

as I reach down, not to pick but merely to touch --

the suitability of the field for the daisies, and the

daisies for the field.

***

I wouldn't say 2010 was all that bad, to be fair. I have so much good things to write, I just can't fit them in to one blog entry. This year held great moments, and no doubt, there were a lot of tough and painful times too. I don't know how I'm holding up really, I'm just surprised I haven't folded in yet. And for that, I am truly thankful.

I almost forgot to mention, I got my tattoo this year.

It will suffice.

Everything I've been through makes me just as much as they break me. All I really want to say is, I am very grateful. I'm just glad to welcome another year into my life. And from the bottom of my heart, I wish everyone a smashing new year! Cheers to 2011!

Today's Checklist

2010-12-29T13:42:00.001+08:00

- bathe

- do myself a favor: write the truest year ender entry yet

- clean my desk and book shelf

- yeah, more general cleaning

- create a schedule realistic enough to finish all the books I want to read

- arrange my files from MP3s to movies and back them up to my passport

- watch the DVDs I left hanging around the back of the TV

Phases 2006 (c)

Rengga #1

2010-12-29T03:36:00.001+08:00

Shoreline

by Michael Mira & Corin Arenas

A fading shoreline signals
the invasion of ancient discontent.
A body tethered to a jagged rock
sways in the undercurrent.

And the build-up, a centuries worth
of sediments. Silver school of fish traveling
along possible mermaids singing. The ocean
teeming with water flowers for this grave.

The ebb and flow of misunderstood emotions
constantly change the messages on the seafloor.
How long must I wait before colliding tectonic plates
create new terra?

Where I will seek comfort in madness.
My soul bellows brevity, longing
for its turn. I will place my faith
upon the ephemeral, living passion
within eternal wakefulness.

I will dive deeper into the abyss,
bring the fight to Death's door,
shedding all past transgressions
until I finally become weightless,

unbound. Frailty awash, all the blue folding.
To finally trace cracks and rifts back
to the promise of the shore. Never minding
the weakened walls of my heart.

2010-12-26T09:47:00.001+08:00

I write as though you could understand
and I could say it
One must always pretend something
among the dying.

--W.S. Merwin

Upon Opening a Letter

2010-12-22T23:03:00.003+08:00

I write as though you could understand
and I could say it
One must always pretend something
among the dying.

--W.S. Merwin

What do I know of writing, but this:

An archaic means to speak of things

Thought to make us feel alive.

It could be about an old song

You’ve always known. You heard it

And wished the music never ends.

Remember, everything is a reminder.

Whatever we lose within ourselves,

We’re bound to take to our graves.

Maybe even the things that make you

Believe in grace. How you witnessed

The sun rise as your soul quickened to say,

I will never take mornings for granted.

And I will describe the way arms cross

As if to catch the soul from falling

Out of the self. This is the body failing

At night, while the city insists on

Emulating the sky with its numerous

Constellations. An act that creates

Force fields, sleep, to find consolation

Upon waking in dreams.

While some will find comfort

In repetition-- consider sin,

That we mean them most of the time.

Trust that all good intentions

Will never run out.

Now, will you release your arms,

Rest your heart? Listen.

I will hold your secrets like a stone.

August 2008

Human Lot

2010-12-19T01:36:00.001+08:00

I’m amazed we haven’t crawled off by now.

Later we could go back and cross things out,

that way we wouldn’t know where we came from,

the shapes we asked to be bent into.

Sinatra’d be okay again,

mother the same distal approximation,

the sea still trying to spit it out.

Sometimes your sleep is different than mine.

I can’t catch up.

I don’t know—there are voices tangled outside.

Wind wants to make me correct something,

the refrigerator says something needs to be pushed

further from the sun.

Out where the sunset ends, they’ve installed a graveyard

and where it rises, some automatons bash together

mellifluous metal tubing

imparting a festive contusion

to the usual calm disaster of getting out of bed.

To find out why life has this glass sparkle

at the end of a dark hall.

To find out why the paper skeleton holds its hands

demurely over its crotch. Did it fall that way?

To find out how we fell.

There is a name to wake into and music to sleep through.

To find out where the blood comes from on the towels.

Old friends, I believe your betrayals were inadvertent.

To find out if my heart is unruined.

Father, are you out there

or was your corpse accurate?

Something happened to me when I was young

that I don’t want to happen again

but I remember the first smell of ocean

when the family got out of the car in Jersey

to buy peaches. Spark thrust, spark dust.

The road was sand.

--Dean Young

Walking with spiders

2010-11-22T01:18:00.001+08:00

It hardly has anything to do with failing to see

the colors, the details, the entire picture.

The heart of the matter really

is what to make of it.

Artwork found at the CCP, November 2006.
I apologize for not being able to take note of the artist's name.
Would like to thank my friend Helen for the pose.

It can't get any more lucid than this

2010-11-15T12:14:00.000+08:00

In this dream, I was a child of 7 lying under the shade of a tree. Beside me was a woman. She must have been staring at the clouds through the branches like me. She asked what I'd like to be when I grow up.

"Have you figured it out?"

"Yes, I think I have. When I grow up, I want to be happy."

"It's a beautiful dream, to be happy.

She stood up, daylight turned into night, looked at me with her brown eyes, and said, "Why not today?"

I'm awake. There's no need for drugs, I've dreams. I'm just busy being young-- let me try happy.

Today

2010-11-09T18:20:00.000+08:00

sauntering

on your return

daylight dying

in a trice

snagged sparrow,

i saw

your chest glistening

red,

brimming warmth

when i'd rather say

it was

uneventful

that what we hold

today

and the things

we take

to the grave

are nothing less

than pure

The language is leaving me.

2010-10-29T09:49:00.002+08:00

The song of the day is from Annie Lennox

Meditation at Lagunitas

2010-10-27T08:43:00.001+08:00

All the new thinking is about loss.

In this it resembles all the old thinking.

The idea, for example, that each particular erases

the luminous clarity of a general idea. That the clown-

faced woodpecker probing the dead sculpted trunk

of that black birch is, by his presence,

some tragic falling off from a first world

of undivided light. Or the other notion that,

because there is in this world no one thing

to which the bramble of blackberry corresponds,

a word is elegy to what it signifies.

We talked about it late last night and in the voice

of my friend, there was a thin wire of grief, a tone

almost querulous. After a while I understood that,

talking this way, everything dissolves: justice,

pine, hair, woman, you and I. There was a woman

I made love to and I remembered how, holding

her small shoulders in my hands sometimes,

I felt a violent wonder at her presence

like a thirst for salt, for my childhood river

with its island willows, silly music from the pleasure boat,

muddy places where we caught the little orange-silver fish

called pumpkinseed. It hardly had to do with her.

Longing, we say, because desire is full

of endless distances. I must have been the same to her.

But I remember so much, the way her hands dismantled bread,

the thing her father said that hurt her, what

she dreamed. There are moments when the body is as numinous

as words, days that are the good flesh continuing.

Such tenderness, those afternoons and evenings,

saying blackberry, blackberry, blackberry.

--Robert Hass

Twentieth-Century American Poetry (2004)

Arrival (2008)

Senses

2010-10-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

The tree is alive. I hear it

through the murmuring of crickets,

its voice. Some magic

turning branches into limbs

etching a strange mouth

on its rough trunk.

Upon recognizing the scent

of a flower, the tree moves.

How the wind disturbs it.

Street lamps tint my skin orange

on a midnight walk, past gutters

glistening like silver fish.

I touch the wood, its uneven surface,

the grains sticking to my palm.

I feel age. How it sheds bark.

My senses were meant to find these things.

It is good how nothing is certain.

My Top 10 Beach Movies "And after that summer, our lives were never held the same again."

2010-09-13T23:11:00.001+08:00

I've been missing the beach, it has been too long. Good thing I got a freelance writing job to remind me of this beautiful place. I'd like to share it here.

My Top 10 Beach Movies

10. A Perfect Getaway

The ultimate slasher film on the beach.

Released in 2009, A Perfect Getaway is about a couple enjoying their dream Hawaiian vacation. The film takes a turn when they realize that a serial killer is stalking and killing tourists in the island.

Although it received mostly mixed reviews, one cannot deny that this is more than the average suspense thriller. The build-up is long, but it promises to keep you entertained on boring Friday nights with your friends. The film reached top 10 in the UK box office and the New York Times reviewed it as a “genuinely satisfying” movie.

9. Blue Crush

Surf’s up with hot bods!

Premiering in 2002 starring Kate Bosworth and Michelle Rodriguez, the story is about how the main character strives to pursue her dream of becoming a professional surfer while struggling with work and taking care of a younger sister. The film takes on a romantic theme when she falls in love with another prominent character. So you know what to anticipate: the sport, guys with abs, and a lot of girls in bikinis.

It’s good to watch if you don’t want to think too much. If you like surfing, you’d appreciate Blue Crush. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 62% rating, saying that “surfing sequences are exhilarating, but the plot is pretty forgettable and trite”. Audiences received the film positively, placing 3^rd on its first opening week.

8. The Blue Lagoon

Think you know Brooke Shields? No, not until you watch this.

Starring a young Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins, this beach film had a lot of eye brows raised when it debuted in 1980. The story is about two children and an adult who survive a shipwreck in the South Pacific. The three take refuge in a lush tropical island with the adult trying to take care of the two children. However, much of the film revolves around how the children learn to survive on their own when the adult unfortunately dies.

The film depicted the character’s transition from childhood to adolescence, as well as sexual discovery through quite a number of detailed scenes. Over time, the characters develop feelings for each other and struggle with sexual maturity in a setting where romantic love and sex are unknown to them. In any case, there’s no doubt this film is worth the time and pop corn. It’s best to watch with an open mind.

The Blue Lagoon was highly criticized by conservative Christian groups, but it went on to be the 9^th most acclaimed box office hit in North America, according to Box Office Mojo.

7. Jaws

There’s nothing like a Steven Spielberg film from the '70s.

Based on the novel by Peter Benchley, Jaws is about a great white shark attacking people in the waters of a fictional beach community. The plot revolves around how to kill the shark and prevent victims, especially tourists, from being harmed. If you plan to add thrills and screams into your beach movie experience, then Jaws can definitely have you sliding at the edge of your seat.

But then again, you have to remember this was made way back. Compared to CGI effects today, you’d notice how artificial the shark’s face is. Nevertheless, you should forget about the other Jaws sequels. You have to see the original 1975 film for yourself. Being the first film to use wide release as its distribution pattern, Jaws’ debut proved crucial in film history.

6. The Beach

Re-think your idea of the perfect island getaway.

Premiering in 2000, The Beach is directed by filmmaker Danny Boyle, better known for Trainspotting (1996), and more recently for his Oscar winning film, Slumdog Millionaire (2008).

Based on the novel by Alex Garland, the film is about a young American tourist in Thailand who discovers a secret island paradise as revealed to him by a crazed drug addict who commits suicide and leaves him a map. The tourist, played by Leonardo Di Caprio, meets a couple also touring the country. They talk about the myth of the island being a haven with unlimited supply of marijuana and shortly after, decide to find it.

Most of the story happens on the island: love affairs, living in a community of marijuana users, and keeping the island a secret within its members. Many viewers comment that it began rather promisingly but lacked a certain depth which the book possessed. While it may have fallen short on certain areas, we tag The Beach as one of the must see existentialist-slash-escapist films of the decade.

5. Temptation Island

“A cult classic”, says Boy Abunda, and something to be proud of.

Of course, we won’t forget our local films. Also from 1980, Temptation Island enthralled viewers as it exposed complex themes including the concept of cannibalism. On a more personal note, it presented relevant learning themes for its audience such as trust, freedom from materialism, and personal independence.

The film’s plot focuses on the fictional Manila Sunshine Beauty Pageant with its character finalists played by then real life beauty title holders Dina Bonnevie, Jennifer Cortez, Azenith Briones, and Bambi Arambulo. While on the way to the finals, their ship catches fire and the characters are forced to stay on an island. A series of events open each character’s eyes as they struggle to survive long enough for rescuers to find them.

4. Point Break

FBI + surfers + robbers + Keanu Reeves + Patrick Swayze = why not?

Point Break is about a two FBI detectives who investigate a series of bank robberies by a gang masked as ex-American presidents. The film becomes a tad more interesting when they go under cover as surfers to investigate. Released in 1991, actors Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves were casted in the film. It was also nominated for MTV Movie Awards Best Action sequence.

The film shows a lot of philosophical insights and heavy surfer lifestyle influences as the characters become passionate about surfing. A viewer comment from film review giant Rotten Tomatoes document that “while it can accurately be described as an action film, a heist movie, or even simply a thriller, Point Break is also one of the first extreme sports film”.

3. Y Tu Mama Tambien

She’s your mother too.

Renowned film critic and screenwriter Roger Ebert describes it as, “one of those movies where after that summer, nothing would ever be the same again”. The film is about two young men who try to flirt with an older woman at a wedding by making up stories on a secluded beach called la Boca del Cielo (Heaven's Mouth). After a turn of events, they convince her to come and travel with them. From here, the story offers interesting insights into friendship and relationships. Apart from the seductive scenes, the older woman finds herself the object of two young men’s affections while also acting as their maternal figure.

Upon its release in 2001, this Spanish film received awards such as the Venice Film Festival’s Best Screenplay Award, the New York Film Critics Circle Awards for Best Foreign Language Film, and the Independent Spirit Award for Best Foreign film. Y Tu Mama Tambien also received an Academy Award nomination for best original screenplay.

2. Cast Away

Tom Hanks: the real one man show.

Released in 2000, Cast Away takes us to the virgin islands of the Pacific where lead character Chuck, played by Tom Hanks, survives a plane crash. As a FedEx systems analyst stranded on an island for 4 years, he finds himself determined to survive in order to return to his girl friend.

More than the usual survivor story, Cast Away risked filming one man on screen for most of its duration. Most scenes were soundless and “conversations” by Hanks were directed to a volleyball named Wilson. This film was widely acclaimed by critics and Tom Hanks received an Academy Award for best actor.

1. Sex and Lucia

Surprisingly, sex isn’t the whole point of this film. There is the heart.

Sex and Lucia is an award winning Spanish film which premiered in 2001. Starring Paz Vega, it begins with a distraught Lucia upon having learned that her boyfriend, a novelist named Lorenzo, committed suicide. She seeks comfort in her grief by going to the Balearic Islands, a place which Lorenzo had often told her about. In the island, she meets two other characters who also happen to have known Lorenzo. Here, they discover the roots of Lorenzo’s depression and his past in connection to the novel he wrote.

The film is striking for its poignant revelations, not to mention the beautiful people and places involved in the plot. Needless to say, Sex and Lucia garnered international success shortly after its premier.

Lover, you should've come over

2010-08-22T23:41:00.001+08:00

Artist of the day: Jeff Buckley

****

Lines

Geometry class taught me the meaning of a line

Declaring it as a collection of points extending infinitely

On opposite directions. One point followed by another,

Connecting. And I speculate on relation, points struggling

To connect, saying my hand is stretched across waiting

For you to come, and hold it. An ardent point A, relating

To a fading point B, meaning extension. To give

Part of the self to another. At night, I dream of lines,

The kinds that make up the four chambers of the heart

And what lies in each of them, how they set themselves apart

Drawing lines to distinguish their insides from the exterior.

Outside, a train pulses to its arrival; a child rides for the first time,

A man forgets patience, and a faraway place is near again.

I define lines simply as something that exists in everything

I see. Is this what holds the world together? The margins

Of this city, finding necessary slits and openings, blue horizons,

The lines on our palms, the trail our footsteps leave.

Strange Condition

2010-08-03T23:34:00.001+08:00

Everyone's so intimately rearranged

Everyone's so focused clearly with such shine.

-- Silversun Pickups

And so I've decided to do myself a favor before finally trying to get some sleep. A lot of terrible mental nonsense has nested in my head these past few months and to be honest, I don't think the damage it has caused in my head, my heart, and my life can ever be reversed. People, places, events, everything-- these past 6 months have slowly began to redefine how I see my life, and most probably how I'd be living it for the next few years.

I'm currently living inside the body I've always dreamed of being when I was 12. The dream was simply to be older. Now I'm 22 and young, yet old enough for so many things. I guess I just didn't think I'd end up like this. Nobody had a clue, not even I. Growing up, I always thought I was meant to live a life of predictability. There were things that mattered to me when I was 12. Some still matter now, but they didn't get to hang around long enough for me to realize I really wanted them. Yes, vague. One day I'll figure them out.

The process is painfully unnerving, I find myself caught in a threshold-like state where everything is gray. Just being at that point where I see how my actions affect others, and stopping to try and predict how this will all come back to me, is just so overwhelming. I've taken certain sides that don't offer much comfort. "It's my own design, it's my own remorse," as more aptly put by Roland Orzabal.

Because my love is strong, and my heart is weak after all.

-- Delta Spirit

It still makes me wonder why, after all these years, I (and people like me) still choose to hurt myself in the process. As I try to rationalize, I reason that I put up with self mutilation simply because I believe It is worth the risk. If It's one thing I learned the hard way, it's this: you can't tell your heart not to love what it loves. You can deny what it wants and still its four chambers will hold every memory for you. It cannot ever forget. However, it can let go, for sure. And when it does, it's surrenders itself completely, accepts its fate, and resumes its constant pulse.

Fun fun fun!

2010-07-11T16:09:00.001+08:00

Album of the day by the Stereophonics: 2005, Language. Sex. Violence. Other?

Phantoms

2010-06-20T01:35:00.000+08:00

I saw the makings of a ghost
And perhaps what it meant

To fade. Among the living, they are all
Dying. Their days slipping into routine:
Urgency during most mornings

And the slowness evenings take
To fill the hunger lurking within.

The dark often cancels gray shades.
I heard them conversing with shadows,
Take their closest friends for strangers

And leave without a sound, untraced.
They insist on different visions

Existing only in memory
Studying their faces in the mirror
Gazing back now and then

Catching glimpses. The imprint
Of fingers, the strand of a hand.

The Keening

2010-06-13T15:37:00.000+08:00

How is it then, tell me, to truly listen?
It is difficult to pay attention sometimes.
All the noises going on in and out of our bodies.
Maybe it’s as simple as noticing –
slightest sound. Footsteps.
Sometimes someone other than yourself
is there. This is one way to listen:
one keeping still, another waiting.
Little discoveries keening
In their sudden approach.

THE IS SKY FALLING!

2010-06-02T23:55:00.001+08:00

There’s never much to say between
The moments of our dreams and what we’ll do
And you’re afraid of everything
That could set you free

And you will always be the one
That stops my sky from falling in
And you will always be the one
That stops my sky from falling in

If you thought this was all that I could do
Would you stay, would you stay?
And I know that you threw away
All you could have been

But you will always be the one
That stops my sky from falling in
But you will always be the one
That stops my sky from falling in.

--Dakota Suite, "Never Much To Say"

Emmawood

2010-06-01T22:02:00.001+08:00

Song of the day: Emmawood by Buildings Breeding

Something so meaningless burning it's way in my fingers.
After the light that is setting in sumasideay
Kiss off the glass on the ocean away with the ether.
Parting is something that we cannot count on with staying.

Please don't go.
My warmth will radiate the heat when you are cold.
You should know
my heart will remain in me, for you, whole.
I'm already yours.

Absent

2010-05-09T22:51:00.001+08:00

I kept thinking of words without vowels once
when I was home all alone and sick to calm my nerves:
fry dry, try, and why, counted one hundred odd
numbers backwards until memories of nameless
faces whom I've been with so many times
yet still failed to recognize filled my mind.

For a moment I swore I felt force fields
surround me, the kind that makes people stay
away, while a lot happens in our heads
without speaking. And that soar, heavy
feeling in our throat after others have left.

For Regina

Single Mind

2010-05-03T23:17:00.002+08:00

If I love you with
all my heart, she
said, what will you
give me?

& then she stopped &
said I didn't have to
answer that because
she was going to
do it anyway.

-- Brian Andreas

"It only feels worse when I stay in one place/ so I'm always pacing around or walking away." -- Bright Eyes

2010-04-26T04:54:00.006+08:00

It's amazing what things we find when we start cleaning and clearing out old clutter from half-abandoned cabinets and drawers. I stumbled upon a book which my ninong gave me when I was 13. The book is a daily Catholic devotional reading, and he may have given it to me in hopes that I'll stay upright, religious, and obedient. They wanted me to be the best that I could be. If I remember it right, I received it on my confirmation day. Somehow, I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since.

Inside the book, my ninong wrote a short message in a form of a poem (posted below).

February 17, 2001
04:12 am

It’s time for sleep and yet it does not come
There’s simply a little more left for me to be done

And though it’s late, inspired, I find it fun
To write for you before the setting sun.

A while ago you said I’ve given you (to read) so plenty
Don’t worry! My heart says, “They’re not so many.”

But you should share these stuff that ain’t so heavy
Oh gosh! Oh yes! By now you smile so widely.

Read on, my sweet young friend and “sit up straight.”
Don’t rush or be so rash, He’s asking you to wait

Enjoy your youth, don’t bite the enemy’s bait
For in your heart, you’ll harvest nothing but hate.

I’ll have rest by now, my day is full by morrow
Confidently hopeful, God does not want us to be in sorrow.

***

I miss my ninong, he taught me how to play the guitar. He would take us out on weekends to teach my brother and I how to play billiards. He introduced me to lots of old songs and encouraged my talents. At some point, I even wished he was my dad. I hope he's doing a lot better now than the last time I met him. I will be praying for him.

Now, on to more personal things...

I just couldn't help but have mixed emotions after having read this message again. I was glad, but I felt at a loss after every thing that's happened in between that time and now. I've gained years, but the feeling that I've lost so many things to the past just caught up with me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I'm not even that old yet. I guess I just don't feel as young as I used too.

Maybe this is to remind me that It's not yet too late to do better things. Maybe I'm saying this too because I feel stuck, and I frankly don't know where else I should be heading.

If I wasn't so full of pride, I'd talk to my old folks and tell them that they were right about a lot of things: life, people, society, men, vices, etc... Though they didn't tell me the reasons why back then, now I know exactly what they meant. I just hope they won't be disappointed, when they realize who I really am, how ever I turn out to be.

I know I've been very stubborn, they always used to tell me not to grow up too fast. But I don't regret any of it. Considering where I was, I think I learned a lot more than I should have. This, I think, really keeps me grounded.

Such is the process of learning, and it never really ends. It doesn't totally prevent us from making any wrong decisions along the way though.

I don't know how else to wrap this up, but since this has a lot to do with memories, it just reminds me so much of the time when praying grew a lot harder for me. I miss the old days, I miss innocence, and the feeling that I could always depend on someone other than myself.

Notes

2010-04-15T20:12:00.000+08:00

I have been giving in to a lot of things lately. I believe in the process, like my new friend has discovered. There are a lot of things we can change, and those that we don't want to change at all. I guess, being rational is a very vulnerable state for me. I try to explain things to myself when I'm overcome with emotion.

It is heartbreaking, and I feel most alive.

Years Later

2010-04-15T20:07:00.001+08:00

"My, how you've grown",
I remember that phrase
from my childhood days too.
"Just wait and see",
I remember those words and how they chided me
when patient was the hardest thing to be
because we can't make up
for the time that we've lost
I must let these memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me

I should have known
at your age, in a string of days the year is gone
but in that space of time it takes so long
because we can't make up
for the time that we've lost
I must let those memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as the child that you never will be
you never will be again

I'll never be more to you than a stranger could be
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as a child that you never will be
will be again.

-- Song of the day from Natalie Merchant, "How You've Grown"

Sweet Thing

2010-03-28T03:10:00.001+08:00

Song of the day by the Flys

Here's to one of the best nights of our lives.

2010-03-21T05:24:00.003+08:00

A night of music with the truest of friends.

Pour down a glass of fine whiskey and let's toast to another beautiful year!

Happy birthday, Kash! :)

Help! I'm alive, my heart is beating like a hammer. -- Metric

2010-03-16T10:37:00.002+08:00

Oddly enough, being inflicted by this strange condition once more does awaken in me feelings of life. I must be grateful to whatever I owe this CPR, though the shock terribly stings my heart every time.

And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters with no pearls. -- Counting Crows

2010-03-14T02:46:00.010+08:00

Amnesia

There were times I’ve attempted to displace
Tired memories for new by taking a letter
And hiding it with clutter inside a drawer

That was not mine. Once, they held some
Of Lola's trinkets: perfume, mirrors, yellowed prayer
Books and scapulars, softened photographs of
Post war Philippines. I thought of age and how many

Instances I would try to gather the memories inside yet
Misplace. Victor, she said, was the only man she had
Loved. We can never be sure what of the other men
That may have drifted some place with wives and children.

How they must have adored her dark curls with
Haranas and Dahlias as her father warned them
That it was late. But we’ve stayed up much much later,
Wakeful, restless, and wanting perhaps more

From others. We’ve no need for new compartments.
I’ve never seen it happening. It is morning and I am
Glad, by now I’ve ceased to notice their absence.

I am right behind you.

2010-03-03T22:47:00.002+08:00

Song of the day: Essie Jaine, Haze Master

After Prayers

2010-03-02T20:24:00.001+08:00

They all must go somewhere, our prayers,
that become wishes at night. No one knows

but never mind that. I believe, once uttered,
they simply fly free beyond the stars.

And in my heart, more room is made for hope.

But Morrissey is too charming, and Mark Kozelek doesn't forget.

2010-02-28T22:57:00.002+08:00

I Do It Anyway

I hate talking nonsense

But I do it anyway

I try to laugh when I am bored

I just do it anyway

I just do it

Do it anyway

I hate cleaning your mess

But I do it anyway

I quit giving

But I do it anyway

I just do it

Do it anyway

If caring is creepy

Why do it anyway?

We're walking empty

Why do it anyway?

Why do it?

I’m so tired of talking

But I do it anyway

I quit giving

But I do it anyway.

2010-02-22T03:23:00.001+08:00

A batch mate of ours passed away last week, and it's not due to an accident or an illness. My mind went blank when I heard we lost her to suicide. It's one thing to hear somebody pass away barely one year after graduation, and it's another thing to know how it happened.

We're not close, but to think that she's really gone and that we shared the same campus is just too surreal for me. I realized while browsing through photos online that this girl was one of the first people I met on my first day in college. We looked for our rooms together that morning.

Somehow this thought overwhelms me. When I met her 5 years back, I was the one on the verge of existential crisis, consequently throwing my life away. I don't know what happened, but I chose to live. Now, here I am. Five years later, I'm here, but she's gone...

I just wish she could have waited, or talked to someone. I hope she stayed a little while longer to know the reasons why.

Wherever she is, I hope she finally finds peace. I will be praying for her.

Responsible drinker ako. 'Di nga.

2010-02-21T00:54:00.002+08:00

I enjoy drinking with good company every now and then. A good friend of mine even introduced me to all sorts of beers and how people should ideally drink them. Yes, like drinking wine, people like to drink their beer a certain way. I prefer beer over hard drinks any day. But for a change, I tried searching up on one of the most expensive alcoholic beverages in the world: Scotch whiskey.

Here’s some trivia from Cracked.com

“Scotch is the finest beverage known to humankind, and the only one that has its own auctions.”

“It's been adored by too many icons of cool to list, including Poe, Hemingway, basically all normal artists, respectable biker gangs, whoever wrote Shakespeare, and Ben Franklin, unquestionably the coolest founding father. Nothing else goes perfectly with Coltrane, Metallica, and all things in between; scotch is what cocaine wishes it could be, a kind of explosive velvet, and is majorly iconic itself.”

A brief image summary on the “history” of whiskey.

Epic siya eh. Hehe.

Misconceptions and facts about Whiskey:

1. Older does not mean better.
A lot of whiskeys peak at about 15 – 21 years.

2. Most expensive does not mean it’s the best.

3. Don’t be afraid to put water in your whiskey.
Water will open up a whiskey – let aromas come out, for full flavor. Ice = water.

4. If you’re going to put ice in your whisky, avoid making a snow cone (LOL)
There are whiskeys made for “the rocks”, which means its best taken with ice.

5. Don’t be afraid to try something new—try something that you’ve never had.

*Info from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDCMkYXVx_Q&feature=fvst- -- Learn everything there is to know about Scotch whisky with LX.com's George Oliphant at the Brandy Library in New York City.

I honestly didn’t like hard drinks when I tasted them for the first time. But, I learned to appreciate certain tastes as I got older. I have to agree that expensive doesn’t always mean better. I tried Johnnie Walker and Benmore whisky, and I have to say I couldn’t taste the difference. Though both brands come from the same maker, the latter is not as expensive.

Which means lower income-earning, poor, but decent people like me can still enjoy it. :p

But hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m not promoting alcoholism. I just think people should enjoy parties and still have their favorite beer, cocktail, or wine, with certain conditions of course. Just don’t drink and drive, folks!

Everyone has got to down a bottle of booze some time. Yes, I’m not just talking to drinkers, this goes out to non-alcohol fans too. Being a non-drinker doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know how to handle drinking situations. That’s why idiot guides are important. Trust me, I’ve been there. When I was in college, I barely knew anything until the morning after when I had to cradle a massive head-ache over the toilet wondering what in the world I got myself in to.

This situation may sound familiar to some. For others, there are ways to avoid these nasty aftermaths. Checkout this link for complete tips on responsible drinking and how to handle the worst hang-over after the best party you unfortunately forgot. Actually, it’s either you read that or just take my personal drinking advice:

Eat a good meal before drinking especially if you plan on drinking a lot. It’s a fact that you will get drunk faster with an empty stomach, and that’s common sense.

Drinking too much too fast will obviously make you drunk sooner than the old dude across your table. While drinking alcohol, alternate with water or other beverages. Stay hydrated. It’s also a good way to pace your drinking.

Plano mo pala magbasag eh. Hala! Sige, inom! Pero bago ka magpaka-lasing, uminom ka na ng Aspirin, Biogesic, Tylenol, o kung ano mang Paracetamol isang oras bago mag-wasak. Sulitin mo na. Makakatulong yan para ‘di ka maging gulay pag-gising mo.

Wait, what about the morning after?
So… you’ve busted the whole responsible drinking plan. Ano ngayon?

Sige, isuka mo lang yan. Mas giginhawa ang pakiramdam mo pag naisuka mo na lahat. When your body withdraws food from your stomach, it’s actually a sign that it needs to rid it of poison. Yes, too much of a good thing can really kill.

Again, drink lots of water. Better yet, drink sports drinks like Gatorade or Pacquiao’s Vit. Water, you know?

Sleep! That’s the only way you can ever recover. If you have work or class that day, sorry na lang. Kasalanan mong nag-basag ka eh. Pagbayaran mo.

So there. Until my next sleepless entry. Good afternoon, good evening, and good night. :)

Crossing

2010-02-15T00:15:00.002+08:00

I emptied my pockets
to surrender all sharp
and flammable belongings
just before admitting
to have this fear of flying:
more particularly, of the fall.
Never mind the pain
from the fiery disaster
that might become of my trip.

I’ve only fallen in dreams
during restless sleep, and in them
I relied heavily on force fields
which knew of frailty and when
to stop such madness.

But my baggage is checked in,
and like so many passengers waiting
we take turns glancing outside
for planes landing, taking off,
to figure out which emerging heads
have arrived home or have come
only as visitors.

Then perhaps, I will doze my flight
away, while knowing all too well
that I will dread waking
from the same frightful sleep,
only to find it chance upon me—
no longer familiar
and wakeful to another side.

They finally got it right

2010-02-10T18:41:00.001+08:00

Without me telling them how to spell it.
Just had to celebrate at my favorite coffee shop.

In other news, I'm growing my nose hairs

And I got a new job

Which means holding my breath

Longer this time.

I'd like to call it "Audio-Bio"

2010-02-08T00:12:00.001+08:00

DIRECTIONS: Put your preferred music player on shuffle and play one song per question. Pick a few lines from the song currently playing to answer the question -- skip any track that doesn't have lyrics or vocals.

tagged by waps

What do your friends think of you?
“I need your discipline, you know once I start I cannot help myself”
Nine Inch Nails - Discipline

If someone asks, "Is this okay?" You say--?
“You shock me to the core”
New Order – Crystal

How would you describe yourself?
“She’s sneaky and smoked out
And it’s starting to show”
Third Eye Blind – I’ll Never Let You Go

What do you like in a guy/girl?
“The selfless fool who hoped he’d save us all “
The Shins - Australia

How do you feel today?
“He talked of life, laughing slapped his leg stale”
Bob Dylan – Mr. Bojangles

What's your life's purpose?
“So plant the thought and watch it grow
Wind it up and let it go”
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova - Lies

Your motto?
"I'm a professional cynic, but my heart's not in it,
I'm payin’ the price of livin' life at the limit
Caught up in the century's anxiety
Yes it preys on him, he's getting thin”
Blur – Country House

What do you think about very often?
“We’re gonna vent our frustration,
if we don’t we’re gonna blow a 50-amp fuse”
The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

What is 2 + 2?
“We can try to talk it over
If you say you'll help me out”
Garbage – Push It

What do you think of your best friend?
“They know my weaknesses, you tried them”
Depeche Mode – The Things You Said

What do you think of the person you like?
“It’s real to me but not like these fools and not like this scene
I won’t find or have it within the time”
Gin Blossoms – Until I Fall Away

What is your life story?
“And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake”
Third Eye Blind - Narcolepsy

What do you want to be when you grow up?
“We can find new ways of living
Make playing only logical harm
We can cap the old times
Clay making that nothing else will change”
Interpol – Obstacle 1

What will you dance to at your wedding?
“And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn't be me and be her
In between, without you”
The Cure – In Between Days (labo)

What will they play at your funeral?
“Take this sinking boat and point it home”
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly

What is your hobby/interest?
“Work and vanity wasted my time inside
And a dress, dress, dress that I’ve been sick on
Oh, how are you? Can't say I really care at the end of it all”
The Sundays – Skin and Bones

What is your biggest fear?
“The killer in me is the killer in you”
Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm

What is your biggest secret?
“And I run when I know what people hear”
Maia Hirasawa – You and Me and Everyone We Know

What do you think of your friends?
“Something is stirring way underneath”
Morcheeba - Friction

What will you post this as?
“Seek with the seeker, but hold on for the ride”
Stone Temple Pilots - Glide

Video games, Broken Social Scene, and NON-FAKERS

2010-01-29T11:17:00.001+08:00

I recently got hooked into reading this web comic by J. Jacques entitled "Questionable Content". My friend Jessie introduced me to the link, and I just couldn't get enough. I've linked it to this blog just so I won't forget. To view more mundane strips ostensibly about romance, indie rock, little robots, and the problems people have, click this. Enjoy!

It's not color blindness

2010-01-26T23:54:00.001+08:00

Figured I'd like to take a closer look into my waking self.

But I just really think my eyes are inside out.

Yes, it's me. Nice to have finally met you.

And when the wind takes you, it takes me too
And when you change colors, I change mine too
Try not to think, and I will try too
And when you let go, I will let go too.

-- Great Lake Swimmers, "Changing Colours"

Counting

2010-01-20T23:06:00.001+08:00

Numbers are useless,
Yet many have counted
The numerous ways
People say their goodbyes.
How many of it we've seen:
A slow hand waving
Where before that was
An embrace, a slow release,
A peck on the cheek,
Or simply, a pat on the back.

Certainly, more useless
Counting trails during
The wait for their return.
Perhaps this was how
Patience was discovered:
When a man long yearned
For a friend to arrive.

Once, I was outside trying
At 11:55p.m. to cross the road.
The numbers went about
Meaningless, and yet to count
The stars knowing the great distance
Of home, and to gather understanding
Of the plight back, made perfect sense.

Tear It Down

2010-01-06T20:03:00.001+08:00

We find out the heart only by dismantling what
the heart knows. By redefining the morning,
we find a morning that comes just after darkness.
We can break through marriage into marriage.
By insisting on love we spoil it, get beyond
affection and wade mouth-deep into love.
We must unlearn the constellations to see the stars.
But going back toward childhood will not help.
The village is not better than Pittsburgh.
Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh.
Rome is better than Rome in the same way the sound
of raccoon tongues licking the inside walls
of the garbage tub is more than the stir
of them in the muck of the garbage. Love is not
enough. We die and are put into the earth forever.
We should insist while there is still time. We must
eat through the wildness of her sweet body already
in our bed to reach the body within that body.

-- Jack Gilbert

STEP JUAN: LET'S HELP KIDS WITH CANCER

2010-01-05T22:22:00.001+08:00

I recently went to Mag:net, Katipunan for Happy Mondays Poetry night and a group of performance artists were there for a cause. As they made our night a little merrier than the usual, I found out that they are supporting a project for the benefit of less fortunate Filipino children inflicted with cancer.

I'm not exactly the most generous person in the crowd that night and neither do I have that much money left in my pocket after the holidays. I just couldn't help but give a little something when they started sending out the fishbowl to the audience.

Tomas Leonor of Step Juan with Mag:net Staff

Me with Tomas Leonor and the fishbowl :D

*photos from Siege Malvar http://siegemalvar.tumblr.com

Here's some more information about the project:

This is a project that starts with a dream of one man that will hopefully end with a selfless goal of helping cure children under the Cancer Warriors Treatment Program.

Step Juan is a walking expedition done by one man. The idea is to walk from Pagudpod to Sorsogon (these are our covered areas for now) without any means of vehicular assistance and to do this for several weeks, straight, stopping only for food and rest. The backbone and foundation for this idea is to raise funds for the cancer children under the Cancer Warriors Foundation. Step Juan’s 50 day* walk will be done by Tomas Leonor, an avid mountaineer and a passionate artist. His walk will cover around 1,294 kilometers of long highways and pass 33 major cities and 150 towns. The expedition is supported by Leonor’s friends and colleagues who share his vision. We are NOT just gathering together to start a media gimmick or to create a passive awareness for cancer. We are all volunteers who assemble towards a common working goal of curing children inflicted with cancer. The children we hope to assist are all from the Cancer Warriors Foundation, a non-profit organization that offers treatment, assistance and care to children with cancer.

I lifted this text from their website. If you want to know more about this cause or better yet, help further it, or send your donations, please log on to this address.

http://stepjuan.com

Thank you! Let's all help support them. :)

Keeping

2010-01-03T02:11:00.001+08:00

I will not wait for ours to turn sour, for it will not

Long after wine fails its magic in our systems

And laughter leaves many mouths without a sound

Like the bright amber of evenings giving in to dark

Conversion, further turning hollow gatherings

Into ruin. They all will go, with us, in the thick of it

Gone, but not quite. We too will go through

Lulling hours, meeting a number of strangers,

Many of which have grown fond of hearing

Utterly useless secrets. I delight, instead,

In the awkward silences between:

Reaching for your hand and locking them

Into mine, a furtive turn to feel

Your stare; to look into eyes taking me

Back to that place, that night

Where I know. Where you know

More of our lives truly happens.

For Waps

What cracks me up

2010-01-01T16:22:00.001+08:00

A smashing New Year, to you.

I find pleasure in watching my neighbors burn hard earned money.

I must say, these things are beautiful.

Some day, suppose I'll have that luxury. Maybe.

I'd like it to burn

and make it last.

Awake inside a dream

2009-12-29T15:19:00.002+08:00

Sell your waking life for minimum wage, but your dreams are for free.
-- Waking Life

I recently got in touch with a friend last night over IM. I told him too many bottles of beer have been wasted on a great conversation in the internet. For all it has done to make communication easier, talking to a person face to face can never be replaced by technology. We just have to meet for a couple of bottles next year. I need to write that on stone.

Catching up, he told me about a recent dream he had which scared him out of his wits. From what he narrated, it was a series of dreams inside a dream where he'd happen to wake up only to realize he was still in the dream. It's not exactly a nightmare with ghosts or eerie creatures out to get him, but like he said, once you're in that dark room, you know and feel fear. I imagined it must have been like meeting fear face to face, only you can't see anyone or anything. Just an ambiguous idea of something you've been afraid to find out all your life.

The dream finally broke it's cycle after a couple of times when 1) he realized he was still dreaming 2) he tried screaming at the top of his lungs. My friend was calling out to his mother, and he also knew his sister was in the same room. It freaked the hell out of him when he screamed a murderous shriek only to hear no sound come out from his strained throat. In the dream, he said the next room had "something". He didn't know what was beyond it, yet it instilled greater fear in him. When he decided to confront what was in the other room, his dream cycle broke and things started happening differently. And, only after screaming for a long time did his voice finally break. He heard it come through even outside his physical body. At that point, his sister rushed to his side. She herself trembled upon hearing her brother scream. It could be like hearing fear come out from the confines of his dream. Then, he woke up, but he never got to know what was in the other room.

I suppose he gathered enough strength to confront what frightened him, otherwise, some dreams won't permit people to wake. I think that's what we call bangungot. Although he was glad to be out of that dream, which to me seemed like an alternate universe in the reality of people's minds, all he really wanted afterward was to find out what was in the other room just to get it over with. Strange how dreams always end at the climax. We're always left with cliffhangers to fill.

I've had similar dreams before. The only difference is that after waking, I become afraid to sleep back again. Eventually, I started dreaming less until more nights would pass by without remembering any of my dreams. I thought it better that way, but I guess I tend to forget how good it is to dream and be in control of your actions according to your desires once you're in your own world.

*****

I watched Waking Life for the first time last night. The entire film consists of lengthy monologues and conversations, first about existentialism, science and the origin of life's systems and evolution, different philosophies, constructs, and well, dreams. It was a whole bunch of theories that you may or may not exactly subscribe to. In relation to dreams, the main character in the film had a similar problem with my friend. The series of ideas, theories and events happening all occurred within his dreams, and he had trouble waking up. Again, like my friend, he wakes up only to find out hours later that he's still inside his dream. Around the end, he began to worry that maybe he couldn't wake up because he was dead.

With that thought, I don't think people who just sleep would have that kind of dream in their life.
It's just too intense and full of detailed ideas which were ambiguous but nevertheless, sort of real. I think this film was successful in marrying reality with the surreal, when it said that how you perceive your waking life is just the same as how one would perceive dreams in the biological sense (but hey, don't listen to a junkie like me, I just happened to like this movie).

screen cap from a scene in Waking Life

Apart from the many quotations I found interesting and beautiful in the film, I found a particular scene very striking. It was when the main character became aware he was in a dream while talking to this girl he bumped into at some random subway. He asked her what it's like to be a character inside a dream, and though he never really got an answer, It was clear the girl knew she was but a perceived idea/character in another person's dream.

For some reason, I have been heavily pondering over the idea of what could have happened next if I did not force myself to wake after an unpleasant dream, or if I wasn't to wake after reaching any turning points in my dreams. I suppose curiosity led me to actually want to have dreams once again.

***

Last night, I finally was able to recall a dream I had, after a long while of not remembering any of my dreams. It was rather different because this time, in my dream, I was aware and trying to control what was going to happen in it.

I wouldn't divulge on all the details, but just like the film, I spoke to a person in the dream I had and asked him what it's like to be a character in my dream. I don't remember the exact words he said, but I think he answered something like "Well, it's pretty complicated". And I think I sort of agreed. Fast forward, I ended up kissing this person, until I finally woke up. I've never seen him before in my life, but If you happen to notice the screen cap I posted up there, it's just how I was positioned with the character in my dream.

Call it crazy, but that's a dream I'd want to to wake into. Over and over, not minding if I'll ever wake.

Blame the crowd, they scream so loud

2009-12-24T00:14:00.001+08:00

so long.

Album of the day: Elemental by Tears for Fears

REHASH

2009-12-23T23:51:00.001+08:00

Music for the morning after

"Some people live a lifetime in a minute."
-- Al Pacino, Scent of a Woman

If some people really do live a lifetime in a minute, then I must say a lot of things can really happen in a span of weeks or even just a few days, which can change the entire trajectory of your life. But of course, a huge part of it goes with your wanting to change or letting yourself be influenced.

I do not intend to elaborate on details right now. All I really want to say is a lot happened this past weekend. Funny how a lot of these events come fleeting, and when they're all over, we always think about ifs. Well, sometimes, I think It's best to let sleeping dogs lie-- things are better left that way.

Right now, I'm sobering up from the emotional/mental roller coaster I got myself in to. Yes, it's all me, it was my choice. Not blaming anyone for the strange condition I have or have had recently. In any case, I can only settle on one thing: It was all a long and hazy dream.

I've no room for regrets here. I'm just learning.

Before Dusk

2009-11-24T22:49:00.001+08:00

There are no final takes. It never ends.

Bohol, Philippines

2009-11-18T23:38:00.001+08:00

One bright day, when the sands sift into place
I will not know how my heart bends but I will
hear it in the waves, calling out through the girth
of this world. You, now far away, wanting, always
wanting for that glorious voice to rise out of your
lungs and just dissipate into golden nothingness.
You want and you want, and somebody will arrive
to lift you, if you can but lilt a little and go over
the many little hills that a human life is made of.
what I wish is the same. A memory to carry me on
to better days. The brightest smiles others can give.
And a word of courage from nobody I know. Someone
who passes me by, looks me in the eye, and wonders
if some lightness has formed in me the way it has in him
every single day.

-- Rafael San Diego

Conditions

2009-11-08T20:14:00.002+08:00

Song of the day by Temper Trap

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one's watching you
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment a love
A dream, aloud
A moment a love
A dream, aloud

So stay there
Cause I'll be coming over
And while our blood's still young
It's so young, it runs
And won't stop til it's over
Won't stop to surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment a love
A dream, aloud
A moment a love
A dream, aloud

So stay there
'Cause I'll be coming over
And while our blood's still young
It's so young, it runs
And won't stop 'til it's over
Won't stop to surrender.

--Temper Trap, "Sweet Disposition"

On Birth, Dreams, and Days

2009-10-27T01:32:00.009+08:00

The weekend is our mother and every weekend we dread is the discomfort of birth
severing us from her body. We shriek to be born into a narrowing world of wider loss.

There is daylight and an entire range of noises. It could only be the eldest of pain
way before the uninterested spirit stopped caring, and the heart had turned inconsolable.

I learned that as a child, my dream was everything to me. Adults must never forget
dreams. They must never raise a child without a dream, without this form of longing.

I’ve longed so much to touch flowers underneath the sea, taste the whitest snow,
and jump the highest water fall I can climb. I’ve had more dreams since, I believe

because I never stopped. I live inside my head with all the hours piling as I sit on a desk
moving about clumsily as if to reach within and embrace the mechanisms of my body.

There are narrower days ahead to look forward to, newer noises apart from our voices
and the things we do before finally sleeping. How the day ends is most important to me.

On the Road: to Chocolate Hills, Bohol

The Privilege of Being

2009-10-18T12:44:00.001+08:00

Many are making love. Up above, the angels

in the unshaken ether and crystal

of human longing

are braiding one another's hair, which is

strawberry blond

and the texture of cold rivers. They glance

down from time to time at the awkward ecstasy--

it must look to them like featherless birds

splashing in the spring puddle of a bed--

and then one woman, she is about to come,

peels back the man's shut eyelids and says,

look at me, and he does. Or is it the man

tugging the curtain rope in that dark theater?

Anyway, they do, they look at each other;

two beings with evolved eyes, rapacious,

startled, connected at the belly

in an unbelievably sweet

lubricious glue, stare at each other,

and the angels are desolate. They hate it. They

shudder pathetically

like lithographs of Victorian beggars

with perfect features and alabaster

skin hawking rags

in the lewd alleys of the novel.

All of creation is offended by this distress.

It is like the keening sound

the moon makes sometimes,

rising. The lovers especially cannot bear it,

it fills them with unspeakable sadness, so that

they close their eyes again and hold

each other, each

feeling the mortal singularity of the body

they have enchanted out of death

for an hour or so,

and one day, running at sunset, the woman

says to the man,

I woke up feeling so sad this morning

because I realized

that you could not, as much as I love you,

dear heart, cure my loneliness,

wherewith she touched his cheek to reassure him

that she did not mean to hurt him with this truth.

And the man is not hurt exactly,

he understands that life has limits, that people

die young, fail at love,

fail of their ambitions. He runs beside

her, he thinks

of the sadness they have gasped and crooned

their way out of

coming, clutching each other with old, invented

forms of grace and clumsy gratitude, ready

to be alone again, or dissatisfied, or merely

companionable like the couples

on the summer beach

reading magazine articles about intimacy

between the sexes

to themselves, and to each other,

and to the immense, illiterate, consoling angels.

--Robert Hass

Birthday

2009-10-18T12:42:00.001+08:00

Painting found at the Museum of Modern Art, New York

by French artist Marc Chagall

And to where all this "will" shall go.

2009-10-03T22:42:00.001+08:00

A few weeks ago, I got to watch this documentary special on Discovery channel about the geographical changes which occurred on Earth for billions of years. It showed positions of continents, plate tectonics, how high intensity earth quakes moved huge chunks of land, and major volcanic eruptions which shaped the world we live in today. A huge part of the documentary also discussed how climate drastically changed. It was a thorough documentation of what the Earth used to be and how it currently is.

Honestly, I didn’t get to watch the whole program yet it seriously left a great impression on me. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop me from thinking what kind of world awaits us in ten, twenty, or fifty years down the line. The part where so many islands are now submerged hundreds of feet below sea level really frightened me. We are faced with greater problems which we can barely reverse: deforestation, global warming, overpopulation, disease, poverty and the list just gets longer. Every year, the water rises, and it’s happening a lot faster than before. At this rate, it alarmed me to think that the Philippines will slowly but surely be wiped out of the global map.

I never really thought I’d live to even witness how the waters of the Pacific will slowly claim all 7,107 islands of our country— until after last Saturday. I forgot to factor in typhoons in the equation, that rain fall can really put a city under water if it goes out of hand. But it happened that day. There were no warnings. Little did I know it has begun.

None of us thought it could flood at subdivisions where homes have never been flooded before, but it did. Logically, people won’t prepare for something they don’t think would happen, but it did. Okay, maybe we thought about it but we just didn't give a damn to care enough. And so we're faced with the consequences.

Many succumbed to drown in the strong currents of the flood. So many families lost their homes. What’s more devastating is the aftermath of typhoon Ondoy. Surely, there will be more casualties, many people will fall ill due to lack of sanitation in evacuation centers and some will not survive due to scarcity of food. How will these people rebuild their lives? Surely it must be painful to lose everything at once when you worked hard for it so long.

If I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way.

-- Trent Reznor, "Hurt"

Now is the time, more than ever, to help our fellow Filipinos. It's not just about self-preservation, we have to work together. Yes, we have to rebuild. The way I see it, this is the perfect time to start over. We have to realize that we need to restore our ties with one another and with the Environment to ensure a livable future for all of us. I've never seen so many people genuinely concerned with their fellow Filipinos. To those who continue to pray, volunteer and send relief to those affected, I'm very grateful. For that I say I'm glad to be Filipino, because this is what we're supposed to be doing.

After this catastrophic event, we should be focused on the real problems. Let this not be just another "tragedy". Just because Pinoy tayo, it doesn't mean dapat masanay tayo nang naghihirap, we must also learn to prevent this. I seriously cannot bare to think that my future descendants will be left to live in a world just like in Cormack McCarthy's The Road. If the world turns into a total wasteland, it's only because people wickedly pursued their own selfish interests. I apologize if you think I'm taking it way too far, but we cannot keep on tolerating simple things like improper waste disposal, water pollution, illegal logging, ozone depletion and more. It all adds up into something destructive, as we now can see.

We all have to do our part too. I'm not perfect, I am one of the guilty ones who have in more ways than one contributed to the Earth's destruction, but I urge everyone do something and help save it now.

I recently got in touch with Haribon Foundation because of my work. We interviewed Ms. Annabelle Plantilla, Executive Director of the said organization who also happens to be an Environmental Planning graduate from Miriam College. It was very encouraging. We did this for an episode (Watch it on QTV, I'll announce the date) which focuses on how we can work together to make a difference in society.

To do my part, I plan on adopting a tree and supporting Haribon's cause for reforestation and sustainable development. Visit www.haribon.org.ph to know more about the Adopt a Seedling campaign. Pledges to adopt 1 tree starts at Php75.00 only. If you can't plant it yourself, at least give what amount you can to have it planted. OR in your own way, like what my friend said, at least plant some trees at your own backyard. We have to start planting trees as soon as we can. Of course, let's not forget to reduce our waste and start disposing of our garbage properly. Also, water is so precious so we better start saving it before we have nothing more left to drink.

As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone, wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you as the world falls down.

--David Bowie, "As the World Falls Down"

We have to turn this around. We can't abandon this mission because the world is dying. To those of you who were affected by what happened, please don't lose hope. We've to pray harder, be stronger, put our trust in the Lord, and in one another to make this happen. Please spread the word!

The Great Houdini

2009-08-21T14:54:00.003+08:00

What's your disposition on love? Who's up for some match-making?

Scaling

2009-08-18T21:12:00.005+08:00

Now, this could be something long overdue since the day I witnessed how young boys are threatened with guns right smack their faces. I don’t know what seeing things like that mean for you now that I’ve come to know that the same events don’t necessarily represent the same things to every individual. It could border relativity, but it is never the same.

For quite a while now, I’ve been struck with ailing concern for realism. I’m not trying to be philosophical or anything, but being so overly rational (even negative) through my dispositions shows that I’m living a rather pragmatic existence. It shouldn’t have taken this much time for it to occur, but I’ve only come to terms with it now. Being down to earth is a good thing in itself. However, too much practicality would hinder one’s aspirations or desires—which, I think, is exactly what’s happening to me now— and for any individual who has struggled with existential crisis for so long, this isn’t a good sign. As to why I am so darn concerned with reality and what is truly there, I have to say it has a lot to do with my need for stability. And now, it seems having to wake and make sure that everything is real has become too tiring. I’ve had enough of reality for now. Let me back that up with a realization: the truth that stability is an illusion. At any given point in time, anyone can die. These bodies are too frail. The fact is that life is about constantly struggling to make ends meet, to balance different aspects within the limited existing time you have, and in the end at least be satisfied with the result.

“Balancing Act” by Lee Paje

Looking at this piece, the artist was able to depict the subject of balance through perspective; the concept of a man walking on a line holding a long pole while people gaze at him from below.

Here, the element of heightened perspective stresses reality while the monochromatic use of colors also plays around on perception. On a personal note, it gave a more dream-like, surreal effect on the artwork when it used brown and blue hues.

This artwork strikes me as highly affective for it appeals to my aspiration to actualize dreams. For me, it entails a lot of balancing, risks, and sound perspective to keep things real while one pursues his/her own dreams. This would basically describe the point where I am in life right now.

That’s how I see life these days. And again, I just don’t think life would be worth anything if you aren’t satisfied or at the very least content with whatever you did with it when you’re ready to go. For me, it has to be that way. Whether there is life after death or not, I’d like to leave this human shell completely satisfied knowing I did enough.

There’s a personal standard to life, take what I mentioned above as an example. We all have standards and this has everything to do with perception and preference. I do not impose this idea to everyone, and at the same time, I don’t expect everyone else to agree with what I just said. I’m sure others have another idea of how they would want to live their lives. I prioritize satisfaction a lot. Others may deem it selfish but I actually think selfishness is not evil through and through. I think it drives one to persevere, care for oneself, and even others. In essence, I’m talking about selfishness as a mechanism to extend love from the self to others. In any case, my point is that people will have different views on all sorts of matters. While what I think doesn’t matter at the very least to others, I am very much willing to stand for what I believe in. In that respect, I gave perspective to the meaning of selfishness. In this way, there are really no wrong answers, just how things are and how things should be.

Having flushed my mind so much with reality, I’ve sought comfort from ritualistic, surreal mediums of experience. This was not a very conscious decision at all. It’s something I noticed after a long period of work-related stress. I have the tendency to seek out the surreal whenever I’m compressed with responsibility, decisions, and bad outcomes. Hence, the movie marathons, endless music download, anime series, and surreal Saturday weekends I’ve had going for some time with my friends. Not to mention the alcohol and cigarettes in between. They all but helped keep me together. Not necessarily sane, but just human enough to function and crazy enough to go through the absurdities of the real world unfolding before me. I don’t want to over generalize on things, but I think other people happen to seek out the surreal escapes as well just to get through points of compression. I do believe seeking opposite points is necessary to balance out perspectives and dispositions in one’s own life. So, these days, I no longer feel guilty about taking time out. Worry takes people nowhere. We have to understand there is a difference between being prepared and over-thinking everything to oblivion. I’ve had to tell myself that a lot.

Maybe that’s what my friend has been telling me about Zen, how it’s about taking in both the good and the bad at once. In a way, these experiences have brought me some enlightenment. A lot changes when your own outlook takes a turn, realizations don’t come easily but they are bound to happen. I’m being more accepting these days, by that I don’t mean I’ve given up. I’ve lost and let go of so much in the process. And that could be the truest written yet.

*thanks to Lee Paje for the artwork
click to visit artist's site

Losing a Whole Year

2009-08-07T17:37:00.002+08:00

Music of the day from Third Eye Blind

Wet Market

2009-07-30T21:26:00.001+08:00

Staggering, a rubber slipper missing,
another morning lost to search
among frequent goers. A long passage

to hunger eased with days spent lifting freight
through paths narrow and drenched.

The sweet stench of blood-stained tiles
reeking of various meat and gutted fish
stink clinging to skin and hair.

In the afternoon pools of gray water stir
on grumbling asphalt cracks.

Come and smell of man’s rubbish,
everything left is considered a waste

before retiring the makeshift stalls
over damp, cold floor.

Being

2009-07-19T02:06:00.001+08:00

See this open darkly
recent in the air

a chilling taste of rust
an urge to hold breaths

and hear the roll
of a tongue against
skin eluding mine.

I do not mean hunger
I do not mean to lament
I do not mean complacence

I do not mean to speak
I do not mean reliance
I do not mean to forget

much to last and that is all
there is for the frail.

O V E R T U R E

[ FIN ]

Ode à mon Père

In My Native Tongue

Online Feature

News Hardcore!

Prelude to Summer: Laser hair removal, anyone?

Scribbled

Glimpses (Part I)

"Come back later. Be the stone around my neck." - Andy Yorke

Unbelievable Truth: Why you should listen to Andy Yorke (Certified sad bastard music!)

A few hours after landing / Random encounter

We will never get tired of beautiful things.

"For you I'll bleed myself dry". -- Coldplay

In A Row

Keeping Things Whole

Façades

Psychosoma

The Gathering

Sexual Orientation

On Kitsch

O kay tagal din kitang minahal,

Love After Love

Blue Skies

No Words

Music: What are we missing?

Drag it out!

O Happy, The End, The End, The End

Today's Checklist

Rengga #1

Shoreline

I write as though you could understandand I could say itOne must always pretend somethingamong the dying.--W.S. Merwin

Upon Opening a Letter

I write as though you could understandand I could say itOne must always pretend somethingamong the dying.--W.S. Merwin

Human Lot

Walking with spiders

It can't get any more lucid than this

Today

The language is leaving me.

Meditation at Lagunitas

Senses

My Top 10 Beach Movies "And after that summer, our lives were never held the same again."

Lover, you should've come over

Strange Condition

Fun fun fun!

Phantoms

The Keening

THE IS SKY FALLING!

Emmawood

Absent

Single Mind

"It only feels worse when I stay in one place/ so I'm always pacing around or walking away." -- Bright Eyes

Notes

Years Later

Sweet Thing

Here's to one of the best nights of our lives.

Help! I'm alive, my heart is beating like a hammer. -- Metric

And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters with no pearls. -- Counting Crows

I am right behind you.

After Prayers

But Morrissey is too charming, and Mark Kozelek doesn't forget.

Responsible drinker ako. 'Di nga.

Crossing

They finally got it right

I'd like to call it "Audio-Bio"

Video games, Broken Social Scene, and NON-FAKERS

It's not color blindness

Counting

Tear It Down

STEP JUAN: LET'S HELP KIDS WITH CANCER

Keeping

What cracks me up

Awake inside a dream

Blame the crowd, they scream so loud

REHASH

Before Dusk

Conditions

On Birth, Dreams, and Days

The Privilege of Being

Birthday

I write as though you could understand
and I could say it
One must always pretend something
among the dying.

--W.S. Merwin

I write as though you could understand
and I could say it
One must always pretend something
among the dying.

--W.S. Merwin